I spent the first 21 days of the month holed up in the cellar, working on my spiral mill. I added a powered cross feed, a mount for a better router, code updates, and the like. I never saw the sun. Everything was going good, but there wasn’t really anything to write home about.
And so it begins
I was having a good day. I was putting the finishing touches on something in the cellar, and I took a break so I could take a leak, steal a cookie, and shovel the porch next door, because we’ve got 8 guests coming for Christmas.
Starting tomorrow.
The shovel was nowhere to be found, but I found one inside. It’s a good thing I looked, because I also found an inch of water on the bathroom floor, water spewing from the washer, 4 inches in the basement, and no heat.
Who ya gonna call?
I waded into the cellar, shut off the water, and unplugged a submerged extension cord. The joists were dripping. The power panel was soaked. The furnace was flashing. There was not much I could do bare-handed, so I went home for tools and told Mary the bad news.
Not looking good.
It turns out a water hose coupling had cracked. I sure wish it hadn’t.
I pulled out the washer and dryer, we mopped up what we could, and we watched the pools of water drain into the basement. It was eerily reminiscent of seeing the Stowe house water damage for the first time.
I went to rent a dehumidifier, and I was thump thump thumping it down the cellar stairs when …
The stairs collapsed, and I was suddenly 6 feet lower, tossed akilter. and my leg was wedged between two stair treads and the floor, with me and the dehumidifier on top. Amazingly, nobody got hurt, but it was eerily reminiscent of Mary’s fall from a ladder a few years back.
I set up the dehumidifier and then … I couldn’t get out of the basement. The ladder was upstairs, the stairs were downstairs, and the door to the shed was frozen shut. I had to climb out with one foot on the railing, one foot on the opposite wall, and some impressive upper body strength.
Getting out was like an American Ninja Warrior episode.
I told Mary I could fix the furnace or I could fix the stairs, but not both, so she called a plumber, and by the time he got here, I’d fixed the stairs so he could walk down them.
Then I finally shoveled off the porch.
Collectively:
* The hose leak was where the water line goes into the DRYER, and was not even cold-weather related.
* The stairs collapsed because – well – because I didn’t use enough nails when I put them in 10 years ago. They were going to go someday. They picked a good day.
* The furnace wouldn’t light for a good reason, but it had nothing to do with the flood.
* The wifi (did I mention the wifi?) was out because something down the road needed to be reset.
Four un-related catastrophes, all at once, on the 22nd day of Advent.
I swear to god I am not making this up.
Some day, they’re going to make a movie of my life, and I’m going to do my own stunts.
The fans and the dehumidifiers began doing their work, the bathroom was put back into service, and, two days later, two kids, six adults, and a dog are living it up over there.
Christmas is saved.
No dinosaurs
Fancy schmancy. Tasty, too.
The usual suspects
Dr Evil ponders his poor performance in the twerking contest.
It’s two days after Christmas, and everybody’s finally gone.
It’s just me and the soggy bathroom and the clock. Our guests are due on New Year’s Eve. Do the math.
The perfect way to spend your winter break! Just fucking great.
The good news is that this is exactly the kind of shit I did on a daily basis back in my mis-spent youth in Winooski, so I happen to be really good at taking up baseboards, disconnecting sinks, remedial plastering, and blowing hot air. I can make a hell of a mess and make it look easy.
“I can do this by then,” I decided. Like I’ve got a choice.
It’s just elbow grease and a deadline. What can go wrong?
We’ll never know, because nothing went wrong. It all went according to plan, and on schedule.
Ha! Made you look!
The truth is that, yeah, we got to the finish line with a half a day to spare next door, but in the middle of all this, I managed to sit on my iPad and drop my phone. Double the damage was done.
And for good measure, we had no power at 4:00 one morning, and the generator was not kicking on. Try going back to sleep with that on your mind. It seems that last night’s ice storm had jolted the ground nearby, and every GFI plug in the house was tripped.
Good grief! The very Gods are throwing lightning bolts right at me!
Is this some kind of test? Have I done something wrong? Must I atone?
Fine.
In the hope that it will appease whoever appears to be pissed with me, I hereby resolve, next year, to make a million dollars, and to learn to tap dance.
Happy New Year.