May 2020

fri may 1.
I went grocery shopping today and a guy mistook my cart for his wife’s and deposited a 12-pack of toilet paper in it. I thanked him kindly, but told him we had plenty.
Pandemic? What pandemic?

Mr Robin attacked my window all day long.

For years, I’ve dumped my power tools in a pile on the floor and called it ‘storage.’
I finally decided to get organized. A little.

For years, I’ve had two CM400 frames in a pile on the floor.
I finally decided to paint the straight one and ditch the bent one.

sat may 16

My birthday cake was a little gluey inside, so I scraped off the frosting and re-baked it.
It’s still a little gooey inside. Gluten free baking is hard.

In the fall, when I was done cidering, I had about 1000# of pressed apples to get rid of and nobody wanted them. The lady across the street said her donkeys didn’t like it, and the pig farmer next door said there was no nutritional value in it, so I spread it thick on the ellipse garden, and let it rot. Over the winter, even the wild animals didn’t try to dig it up. It was the perfect solution.

Now, the Entire ellipse is bursting with billions of baby apple trees.
Maybe they’ll keep the weeds down.

sat may 16

Congratulations on your promotion to Chief Bottle Washer.

sat may 24
Back in the good old days …
Before you got gas at a convenience store …
Before you got gas at a gas station …
You got gas at a service station.
While the tank was filling up, they’d pop the hood, check your oil, top off your coolant, and take the top off your battery and peer inside.
I never understood what they were looking for until today, when it turned out that the Kawasaki won’t start because the battery’s dead, and the battery’s dead because the electrolyte is low, and it’s low because I wasn’t paying attention.
My bad.

And if that’s not bad enough, the Suzuki has been making clanking sounds that even I can hear. Last time it made clanking sounds, I replaced the clutch. And when that didn’t work, I replaced the chain, which was supposed to last for 10000 miles. That was 13000 miles ago.

The old sprocket is definitely worn out.

Started: March 21
Finished: May 24
Do the math.

mon may 26
When it’s nice out, Mary and I sit on the back porch after dinner and watch the stars. We don’t actually know much of anything about stars, but there’s a particular star up there, which we call the “god damned star,” and we make it a point to call it out every night, before we call it a night.
Well tonight, there were clouds, so there was no god damned star. The breeze kicked up and the cat froze and dropped into a crouch. His eyes, ears, whiskers, teeth, posture – the entire cat – was locked onto a shadow in the distance.  Something in the woods.
I looked where he was looking and … whoa! fuck! lookitthat!
It was a big black bear. It walked out of the woods, ignored us, strolled down the hill, and disappeared.
The cat disappeared into the house and wouldn’t come out. And the two apex predators on the porch high fived, finished their wine, and called it a night.
God damn!

The first asparagus of the season is always a big deal.
Three days later, it’s “Asparagus … again?”

sun may 31

Cause of death: Puncture wounds to the neck.

For my next trick, I will turn this pile of re-bar into high-end kitchen hardware!

I hate to say I told you so, but the pandemic is turning out just like I said it would.
And it’s going to get worse.
You heard it here first.





Comments are closed.