Mon mar 15
Bad news: I’ve got the COVID 19.
Not the virus, mind you — the pounds.
And you know why? It’s because I sit on my butt all day long and I eat butter for breakfast, bread for lunch, hearty organic fare for dinner, and ice cream for dessert.
Yep. That’ll do it.
My undies are tighter than ever. My arms are flabby. Gravity is a problem.
So.
Time to shape up.
Stay tuned.
So I go to the supermarket, and I get in line for deli ham.
“How do you want it sliced?” she asked.
“Medium,” I said.
“How’s this?” She dangled a slice at arm’s length, like a dead mouse.
“Looks good,” I said, from 6 feet away.
I took it home and made me a sandwich. It was waaaay too thin.
I switched to yogurt for breakfast.
I worked on my computer all morning.
I ate half a sandwich (and skipped the chips!) for lunch.
I took a brisk walk in the afternoon, and I cut back my snack by a third.
More meat, less potatoes.
I was feeling righteous, so I had a big bowl of Ben and Jerry’s while I watched Colbert.
I could get used to this.
Let me see.
So far, I’ve buried 2 horses, 3 dogs, a pony, and a goat. That’s over a ton of dead animals and, if you stacked the holes on top of one another, it would be 40′ deep!
You’ll recall that, back in the fall, I dug a donkey-sized hole for the lady next door, because one of her donkeys didn’t look like it was going to make it through the winter. Well that donkey’s doing fine, but the other donkey died today. The hole is full of snow. The piles are frozen. What are you gonna do?
Call Reid.
So I peered into the hole and I poked the ground with a stick and, like a shaman, I pronounced that the snow in the hole had kept it from freezing, and the water in it was only melted runoff, and not a giant cube. “Don’t worry,” I said. “We can bury your donkey.”
We pumped out the hole, cleaned it up, lined it with hay, and deposited the dearly departed donkey. And a guinea pig.
wed mar 31
A couple months ago in this space, I was bemoaning my troubles with c3pr, and I rattled off a list of tasks that I needed to do to get it back on track.
Mumbo jumbo nerd-speak, it was.
I got them all done, though, and more. It’s been a game-changer.
So many problems solved! So many new ones to work on!
So that’s what I’ve been working on.
Maybe half a dozen times in my life, I have punched way above my weight. At this rate, I will be the last man standing, one last time.